im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
even my farts smell like vagina
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize