mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
