I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
The best revenge is premature balding
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
