I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
