I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
