My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
