I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
people are starting to question the shark bite story
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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