The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize