He had one of those small greek statue penises
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm way too hungover for life right now
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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