that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
