ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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