Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
