I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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