I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
