Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
