I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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