your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Randomize
