You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Success! We fucked roommates!
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