I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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