I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I'm both gender and math confused
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
