Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
