I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
