Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
