just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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