Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Randomize
