so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
