remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I just found a bag of teeth...
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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