so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
