I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
