is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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