The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
