lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
