He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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