id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
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