He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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