there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Dicks are not precious.
Randomize