My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
