I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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