I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
