Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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