I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
