When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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