it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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