Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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