Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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