Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
