my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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