Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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