NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
