Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
