Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize