Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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