Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
