Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
