it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize