i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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