My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize