I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
