Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
