it wasn't lemon gatorade
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
