Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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